The Once and Future Lover
by NadeshikoLachrymose
Summary: A desperate Merlin was drowning in his sorrow. He wished he could die. He didn't know that his death will be the beginning of another destiny. ArthurXMerlin in future time. Rated T for now, M for later. For you that love ArLin, I welcome you all here. No flames, please.
1. Chapter 1

Hello, everyone. This is the first time I write fanfic in English. I'm really sorry if there are any grammatical mistakes. I'm a human, after all. #grins

So, in this fic I made Merlin can't be killed, but he can committed suicide. Again, I apologize if any of these don't suit your taste.

Disclaimer : I don't own Merlin, sadly.

Rate : T (for now)

-OooOooO-

He wanted to die.

How long has it been? 100 years? 200 years? 1000 years? He can't remember anymore how many days he has passed alone. However, he will never forget that day. That day where he lost his love, the once and future king, Arthur Pendragon.

Merlin sighed softly as he glanced at his reflections on the water. His once dark hair now was white. He has grown into an old man. Right now, maybe even Gaius couldn't recognize his face. And yet, there are no signs if Arthur will reincarnate.

No, he can't wait anymore. How many years he must wait for Arthur? Merlin started to curse his immortality. If only he was mortal just like Arthur, maybe his sorrow would end by the time Arthur died. He would've drown himself together with Arthur in the waters of Avalon.

But here he was. Immortal, and lonely. Wandering alone in a cold place he can't even remember. Surely warmth would be great, as he shivered in a cold night. Only now he craved Arthur's warm body, just like in the past. Usually Arthur would hold him tight, nuzzling his face in Merlin's shoulder.

Slowly Merlin glanced upwards. The night was endless. Cold, and endless. Will something endless could end?

He prayed that light would shine in the night without stars. So that it will light up, and shine for his tomorrow. His dull and gray tomorrow. Merlin closed his eyes. As sleep overcome his senses, only one thing he wished.

He wished he will never wake up.

-OooOooO-

"Good night, Arthur." Merlin said as he tucked Arthur into his bed.

"Stay." Came Arthur's sleepy voice.

"Excuse me, Sire?"

"Stay with me, Merlin."

The brunette grinned. He always loved it when Arthur asked him to sleep together. Even though there is no hot and steamy love-making, Merlin was grateful enough to felt his king's warm body against his.

"Yes, Sire." Merlin sat beside Arthur and stroked his blonde hair.

"Remove your clothes and get inside the cover."

Hearing Arthur's order, Merlin's grin widened. He wasted no time to get naked and slipped under the thick sheets. By the time he was settled comfortably, Arthur's arm came to wrap around his waist. As the king pulled him closer, Merlin kissed his lover's forehead.

"Good night, Arthur."

"Good night."

"I love you, Arthur."

"Shut up and go to sleep, _Mer_lin"

"Yes, Sire."

"..."

"..."

"...you..."

"What is it, Arthur?"

"I said, I love you too, idiot."

-OooOooO-

When he opened his eyes and faced the starless sky, his chest felt tight. Why must he dreamed of Arthur in the time like this? He already had countless dreams about Arthur after he died, but this one felt so...real. He could still felt Arthur's body. He could still hear Arthur's sleepy voice.

"It's only a dream..." he whispered to himself. The dream had bothered him, but now there is only one thing that bothered him the most.

"Why did I wake up?"

Merlin wanted to cry. Why can't he just die? That way he won't have to remember everything about Arthur. That way, he will be free. Free from his sorrow, free from his loneliness, free from _everything_.

If he died, will he reincarnate just like Arthur will? Well, he didn't care. He wanted to die and nothing else.

The sorcerer stood and walked to a nearest lake to wash his face. After walking for few minutes, he found one and splashed the cold water over his face. Once again he stared at his reflections. When Arthur reincarnated, will he looked like the young Merlin, or will he stayed at his old appearance?

Then he realized something. He remembered that place. Oh, the place that he longed to see. The place where he sends his lover's body after he throwed Excalibur into the water.

The waters of Avalon. It had changed after so many years, but in his eyes it's still the same water that had brought his loved one.

Merlin stared at the water again. Will he survive if he drowned himself there? He wasn't sure. However, the desire to drown was so strong, and he couldn't control himself anymore. All he wanted was the end to his endless sorrow.

"There will be a miracle, if I believe." With that, Merlin walked further until he felt there is nothing under his feet, only waters.

He sunk under the water, and closed his eyes. The water was cold, and it started to choke him. But he paid no attention and kept himself under the water. No matter how his lungs screamed at him for oxygen, he kept still. He wanted to die.

By the time his visions faded, only one face that appeared in front of his eyes.

_'Arthur...'_

-OooOooO-

A loud cry of baby startled him from his sleep. Gaius opened his eyes as a woman appeared in front of him.

"How is Hunith?" she shook her head.

Gaius scrambled to his feet and entered the room. His friend was lying on the bed, her breath uneven, and in her arms she holds a baby covered with blue cloth.

"It's a boy, Gaius." Hunith said weakly as she stroked her baby's cheek. The baby giggled. However soon she coughed into her sheet. Gaius' eyes widenend as he saw blood on his friend's sheet.

"Hunith, don't speak anymore. You're-"

"I know, Gaius. I know. That's why I have a request for you." Her voice was cracked, and she struggled to breath. He kept his mouth closed; don't know what else to say.

"Take care of him, will you? I don't know where his father. You're the best friend I ever had." With that, Hunith closed her eyes for a moment. She opened the again to stare at her son.

"Give him a love of a father. I know you had it in you." She smiled weakly as she handed Gaius the baby. Then her eyes started to drop.

"Hunith, no!"

"His name...is Merlin. Merlin Emrys..."

-OooOooO-

"It's a boy, Mr. Pendragon. A healthy baby boy."

Uther stepped inside the hospital room, and found Ygraine holding his son in her arms. Her face looked exhausted, but she smiled happily.

"He's really handsome, Uther." Her smile widened. "Look, he has beautiful blue eyes. And I bet he will have blond hair."

"What should we name him?"

"Let me think..."

"Well?"

"Arthur. His name will be Arthur Pendragon."

TBC

-OooOooO-

Finally done the first part. #sighed

Well, I hope you like this. Just for information, I decided not to change the name. So, there's nothing to say anymore, except R&amp;R please!


	2. Dreams

I'm back! Hope you like the first chapter. I tried to make it as beautiful as possible, but it seems like I'm stuck. Sorry.

So, I hope I'll do much better in this chapter. I apologize if any of these doesn't suit your taste. Forgive me for my grammar. English is not my mother language.

Disclaimer : I don't own Merlin, sadly.

Rate : T (for now)

-OooOooO-

Young Merlin never had a fitful night of sleep. Ever since he was still a little boy, almost every day he experienced that dream. Nightmares, from what he said to Gaius. Actually, the nightmares weren't so bad. It's just weird. What kind of child dreamt of his adult self and an unnamed blonde?

At first, Merlin tried to ignore that dreams and shrugged back every time he woke up drenched with sweat from a particularly scary dreams of his adult self and a scary-looking dragon. However, all of them started to annoy him when he started to realize that the blond he often meet in his dreams was such a prat.

It didn't stopped Merlin from wondering who the hell is this blond though. He has blue eyes, with built body. The blonde often wearing chainmail and armour from medieval time. In other dreams, he wore red shirt and brown pants. Seems like the blonde never got himself far from his sword since Merlin always saw it.

Merlin first thought that the blond is a knight or something. Later then it revealed that he was a young prince of Camelot. That's all he knew. The brunette hadn't got the name yet.

Unlike the other, his own adult self in those dreams shown that he was just an ordinary man. He still had his hair cut short. His every day clothes consisted of a blue shirt, brown jacket, and brown pants. One trait he found from his adult self is a red neckerchief that always seen hanged from his neck.

He felt a kind of attachment towards the blond. He knew he was the manservant of the prince, however this attachment felt different. He had yet to discover it, but every time he saw or talked with him in his dreams, his heart tightens and butterflies fluttered in his stomach. Well, he's still a teenager with no love experience, so none of these makes sense for him.

And tonight was no difference.

-OooOooO-

_He was at the castle's kitchen gathering the breakfast for a certain prat when a familiar voice shouted at the top of its owner's lungs._

_"Merlin!"_

_Here comes the prat he both adored and hated at the same time. Well, it's not like he really hated him. Sometimes the crown prince annoyed him until Merlin felt like killing him is the best thing ever._

_"Yes, Sire?"_

_And yet, he still came to him with a goofy grin on his face. Whenever he felt like hell, his prince's annoyed look amused him to no end. Maybe he was a sadist._

_"What the hell is that?" the blond pointed to an object in the corner of his room._

_Merlin stifled his laugh. His prince never ceased to amuse him._

_"I believe it's a dead rat, Sire."_

_The blond rolled his eyes._

_"I know what it is, _Mer_lin. What I asked is why I have a dead rat in my room?" _

_"It seems like we've talked about rat before." At the prince's glare, he coughed a bit and his smile disappears. "What do you suggest me to do, my dear prince?" Merlin asked sarcastically, the end of his mouth twitched._

_"What else should you do, idiot? Go and clean it!"_

_A giggle escaped from Merlin's mouth, but he quickly clamped his hand over his mouth to hide the girlish giggle from his prince. Merlin gulped in horror when Arthur turned his head._

_"...did you just giggle?" Arthur looked at him weirdly._

_"No, I didn't."_

_"But I'm sure I-"_

_"I said I didn't!"_

_"Watch your mouth! You're talking to your master!"_

_"Yes, yes, my master..." muttered Merlin under his breath as he started to work on the rat._

_"And I'm also your prince, Arthur Pendragon!"_

-OooOooO-

Merlin awake with a soft gasp. His heart pounded against his chest.

Arthur. Arthur Pendragon. The blonde's name is Arthur Pendragon.

"Finally," he muttered under his breath. A grin crept to his mouth.

"Arthur."

"Arthur." That name felt so good on his tongue.

"Arthur."

He couldn't help it. He liked that name.

"Arthur. _Sire_."

"Arthur. _Sire. Master_."

Merlin giggled.

"Good night, Arthur. Sire_. _My_ master_."

That night, Merlin slept peacefully with smile on his face. He no longer bothered by the blonde, as he knew his name properly. Arthur Pendragon.

-OooOooO-

Arthur never had a good night sleep without dream. His dream is always the same. They consisted of a certain clumsy brunette with ridiculously large ears and wide grin. Every time he woke, Arthur felt a surge of annoyance that always made his day worse than usual. Even his father's constant bickering about proper manner of a gentleman never made him this annoyed.

It's just a dream, for heaven's sake! Why must he get all hot and bothered by a dream? Well, those dreams are weird after all. Anyone would felt the same if he experienced the same dream as him.

The clumsy brunette was annoying. He kept calling Arthur a prat and babbling and never obeyed his orders. He was Arthur's manservant (in his dream), and aren't manservant's jobs are to obey his master's words? Seems like this brunette was the worst manservant he ever had. Not to mention clumsy.

However, there's something in him that Arthur just couldn't put a finger to it. He was clumsy, obviously. But there's more than clumsy. Arthur couldn't find a correct word to describe his manservant other than clumsy and/or idiot.

Arthur felt another new feeling every time he dreamed about the Merlin. Annoyed? Nope, that's old. Hate? Nah, he might be an idiot, but Arthur never hated him. Love? Yuck, never. Arthur was straight. He married a beautiful woman named Guinevere before (in his dream).

So, what is it? He doesn't, or maybe, will never understand.

-OooOooO-

_Arthur felt nervous when Merlin entered his room._

_"What's wrong, My Lord?"_

_He swallowed twice, the huffed. He can do this. He can, and he must do this. He will tell Merlin._

_"Sire?"_

_He took a deep breath and turned to his manservant._

_"Merlin, I've got something to tell you." Pause. "But I don't know how you will react."_

_Merlin laughed. _

_"You know you can tell me anything. We're lovers, right?"_

_Lovers. Lovers. That word made Arthur's resolve to tell Merlin crumbled into pieces._

_Yes, of course they're lovers. They've kissed more than once, they've slept in the same bed, and they've eaten the same food in the same place. Hell, they even spent most of their times together. That would make them lovers, right?_

_"Arthur?"_

_"Merlin, I..." He must do this. "Merlin, I'm getting married."_

_"...what?"_

_"I'm getting married. To Guinevere."_

_"...but why?" Merlin's voice sounded so small and broken, and it made Arthur wanted to hug him and comfort him in his arms._

_"I have to..." he looked straight at Merlin's blue eyes. "Merlin, I'm so sorry..."_

_"But... but you don't love her, right?"_

_Arthur bites his lips. He loved Merlin so much, but he also loved can't live without Guinevere._

_"No, Merlin. I love her."_

_Merlin's mouth hanged open at his words. Tears pooled in his big blue eyes. Arthur felt guilty for causing his lovers cry._

_"But you say that you love me..."_

_"I love you, Merlin. I truly do. But I also loved Guinevere, and I can't imagine my life without her. Merlin, I'm sorry..."_

_He reached to hug him, to comfort him, to wipe those tears away, but Merlin stepped back. He curled his arms around himself protectively, as if he wanted to protect himself from Arthur. Merlin's head bowed, hiding his face from Arthur._

_"Merlin..."_

_Surprisingly, Merlin lifted his head. Even though tears were running down his cheeks, he's smiling. A smile full of sadness, but no betrayal. Arthur's heart broke when he saw Merlin's smile. He thought that Merlin would be angry at him, would slap his face, and would yell at him for marrying Guinevere. But no. There is no speck of anger at his face. Instead, it showed love, pure love._

_"Merlin?"_

_"__I__ts okay, Arthur. I understand. If it makes you happy, then it makes me happy too. Your happiness is my happiness."_

_"Merlin, I-" but Merlin held one finger out, and he closed his mouth._

_"I know that sooner or later you will have to find a wife that can give you an heir. It's something that I can't do. I've been thinking about that for a while. I just... I just didn't expect that it would be today."_

_He sighed softly and bites his lips._

_"So, congratulations for your marriage__,__S__ire. I'm really happy for you. Just, take care of her, okay? Treasure her, Arthur. Gwen is my best friend too."_

_Arthur, unabled to look at Merlin's face, could only glance down at his feet. It was Merlin's hand on his chin that forces him to look at his lovers._

_Merlin kissed his lips softly. It's a chaste kiss, just a brush of lips, but it held love and emotions within. _

_Just like their first kiss._

_Arthur tried to chase Merlin's lips, to kiss him deeper, but Merlin pulled away._

_"Save that for your wife, Arthur."_

_Before Arthur could reply, he heard a soft whisper in his ears._

_"I love you, Arthur..."_

-OooOooO-

Arthur awake with tears running down his cheeks and a stab of guilt and sadness in his heart.

He hugged his knees to his chest, sleep forgotten.

"I'm sorry, Merlin..."

He sobbed softly, not knowing why.

"I'm sorry..."

"I'm so sorry..."

TBC

-OooOooO-

Second part done. Finally.

It took a while (maybe longer) but I managed to finish the second chapter.

R&amp;R Please! ^^


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